Spring Awakening Parody
by MattWritesStuff
Summary: as yet un-named. DISCLAIMER: I love Spring Awakening with all my heart, but taking the piss out of it is even funner. Rated T, but will include some mature content as it is Spring Awakening after all.
1. Mama, You Ignore Me!

Act ONE, Scene ONE. - Mama, You Ignore Me.

WENDLA is standing on a chair, touching herself. She is unaware that her mother is peering around her bedroom door, watching her. WENDLA pulls a see through dress on.

[Wendla]  
Mama, you ignore me  
Mama please save me  
What will this scandal bring?  
Wait, why do you look glad?

Mama, I'm weeping  
Mama, the angels  
Will keep me in heaven, without Jonathan.

MELCHIOR (who appears behind Frau Bergmann, also watching Wendla): Grr, who is this Jonathan guy?

FRAU BERGMANN: That's what I'D like to know.

[Wendla]  
Some say that one day  
the enticed will all start fallin'  
They light a candle  
then elope cause they're hoes  
But some just lie there  
fighting for him to come just for them  
But when he comes they won't know how to blow…

MELCHIOR: For someone who knows nothing about sex, she uses some interesting vocabularly.

[Wendla]  
Mama, you still ignore me!  
Mama, please save me!  
What will this scandal bring?  
Who taught me such things, why am I so bad?

MELCHIOR (sidles away, a guilty look on his face): Nothin' to do with me…

[Wendla]  
Mama, I'm weeping  
Mama, the angels  
will take me to heaven, in two hours.

GIRLS appear behind Frau Bergmann to catch the end of the song.  
THEA: Yay!

ANNA: She's stopped singing!

MARTHA: She'll be dead soon!

THEA: MELCHI GABOR SHALL BE MINE.

FRAU BERGAMNN: Shoo, she'll see you!

GIRLS hurry off, knowing their place. FRAU BERGMANN enters Wendla's room, acting as if she hadn't been there all along.

FRAU BERGMANN: Wendla!

WENDLA: Mama!

FRAU BERGMANN: Oh child, look at you in that… that… thing.

WENDLA: Isnt it beatiful Mama? Look at me! I'm like a little faerie queen!

FRAU BERGMANN: I was thinking more along the lines of 'sad clown hooker'.

WENDLA (looking confused): Someone's said that to me before.

FRAU BERGMANN (mutters): I'm not surprised. (raises vocie) ANYWAYY, just think Wendla, last night the stork finally visited your sister, and brought her a little baby girl!

WENDLA: Mama, why havent I seen my sister in 9 months?

FRAU BERGMANN: Because she was…fat.

WENDLA: Is she still fat?

FRAU BERGMANN: No, the stork ate the fat.

WENDLA (beginning to see the flaw in the 'stork' idea): So, where do the storks get the babies?

FRAU BERGMANN: They…steal them. From…heaven.

WENDLA: They're like angels?

FRAU BERGMANN: Yes!

WENDLA: Mama, please, no! Don't make me go see my nameless sister! The angels are taking me to heaven soon!

FRAU BERGMANN (mutters): Not soon enough.

WENDLA: What did you say?

FRAU BERGMANN: Nothing, nothing child… okay fine, babies are not angels. I was lying.

WENDLA: Well then, where do they come from?

Frau Bergmann looks around wearily, then grabs Wendla and pushes her head under her skirt.

WENDLA (shocked): You aren't wearing any underwear.

Frau Bergmann pushes her away.

WENDLA: Mama, tell me!

FRAU BERGMANN: Uhm. A woman. Must. Love. Her. Husband… very….much… with her whole… (looks down) uhm…. Heart!

WENDLA: That makes perfect sense!

FRAU BERGMANN: I'm so glad you're 14 and stupid.

WENDLA: Mama, guess what happened in school yesterday…

Frau Bergmann isn't listening. Wendla starts crying.

WENDLA: You NEVER listen to me. 


	2. Mama, Adore Me!

Act ONE, Scene TWO - Mama, Adore Me!

The GIRLS realise it's their cue. They storm on stage trying to be more badass and more cool than Wendla. ANNA falls over. MARTHA falls on top of her.

THEA (striking a pose that makes her look like The Grudge): LESBIANS.

FRAU BERGMANN (sitting completely still, trying to speak without moving her mouth): Where is Ilse?

GIRLS (in unison): Who?

WENDLA: Who?

Everyone looks around, confused. Wendla suddenly remembers what she was going to sing next.

[Wendla]  
Mama, adore me!  
Mama, who gave me!  
Mama the angels  
Are making me so sad!

GIRLS realise it's their chance to sing.

[Girls -about Wendla-]  
Mama, adore her!  
Mama, please save her!

THEA (hisses): Wait, we hate her!

ANNA: Since when?

MARTHA: Just go with it!

[Girls -about Wendla-]  
Or else kill her before she sings,  
Her solo's make us sad!

WENDLA looks hurt, and then decides to sing even louder.

[Wendla]  
Mama, I'm weeping!  
Mama, the angels!  
Will take me to heaven, in two hours!

THEA: OH NO, she DIDN'T!

MARTHA and ANNA: *angst*  
[Thea]  
I pray that, today, Christ will come a-callin!  
Wendla lights a candle, and hopes that it glows

[Anna]  
And she then lies there, crying for him to let her survive  
and then he comes, but she'll still sing, as a ghost!

[Thea and Anna]  
Mama, ignore her!  
Mama, who gave her  
How do you handle her,

[Martha]  
She drives us all mad!

MARTHA: Why did I only get ONE line?

ANNA: You get a solo later!

MARTHA: A shared solo.

Suddenly, it dawns on the girls.

GIRLS (in unison): THAT'S who Ilse is!

[Wendla]  
Mama, I'm weeping  
Mama, the angels  
will bring me to heaven, in two hours!

WENDLA: You guys are terrible friends.

MARTHA (whispers to Thea&Anna): Should we be nice to her? She's going to die soon.

ANNA: Your father beats you and we aren't nice to you.

THEA (facepalms): Anna, you idiot.

MARTHA: Huh?

THEA: We arent mean to her, to her face.

ANNA: Oh yeah.

There's silence.

WENDLA: Let's be angry? 


	3. All Alone

Act ONE, Scene THREE - All Alone.

The BOYS are all in class, waiting for their teacher Herr Sonnenstich.

MELCHIOR: Did you know I used to be a child star?

HANSCHEN (smirks): For what, exactly?

MELCHIOR: I was on stage!

ERNST: Doing what, exactly?

MELCHIOR: I played a six year old boy getting raped. By a dog.

Everyone is silent.

ERNST: What's rape?

HANSCHEN (grinning): Want me to show you?

Ernst falls silent.

OTTO: I don't think it's something to be proud of, Melchior.

GEORG: Are you sure you werent just you know, being licked by a dog?

MELCHIOR: I was the brother who had one line. It was 'Stop licking me, Leika!'. Leika was the dog. I think being raped by a dog is a more impressive thing to say.

OTTO: No wonder you have problems.

HERR SONNESTICH interrupts this very awkward conversation.

HERR SONNENSTICH: Recite some Latin now!

BOYS start reciting some Latin frantically. MELCHIOR sits back in his chair, crossing his legs and yawns VERY loudly.

HERR SONNENSTICH: Do you have a problem, Herr Gabor?

MELCHIOR: The bible bored me. Why can't we read the English version anyway?

HERR SONNENSTICH: Because we are in Germany!

MELCHIOR: Learning Latin in an English spekaing class, in Germany. How multi national!

HERR SONNENSTICH: Don't start, Melchior.

MELCHIOR: Are you allowed call me by my first name?

HER SONNENSTICH(points to his cane): I can do what I like.

Melchior's eyes widen.

HANSCHEN (whispers to Ernst): I have one of them at home.

ERNST(whimpers): Leave me alone.

HERR SONNENSTICH: Does anybody else want to rock the boat?

MELCHIOR: Back to my original statement, the bible is boring. One day you'll realise this.

HERR SONNENSTICH: Oh really?

MELCHIOR: I think we should rewrite it.

HERR SONNENSTICH: Oh sure, go ahead and start a war why don't you.

MELCHIOR: You NEVER let me do ANYTHING!

OTTO: Melchior, are you gay?

MELCHIOR and HERR SONNENSTICH(in unison): Where did THAT come from?

OTTO: I have excellent gaydar.

HANSCHEN(leans forward): What is it saying about me?

OTTO: Uhm. Rapist.

HANSCHEN(mutters): They never proved nothing!

HERR SONNENSTICH(whacks Georg on the head with his cane because he is the one closest to him. Nobody cares.): Back to LATIN! Recite that thing you had to learn for homework.

BOYS start rabdomely reciting Latin. MORITZ wakes up.

MORITZ: Is it t-time yet? IT'S THE BITCH OF LIVING!

HERR SONNENSTICH: LANGUAGE!

MELCHIOR: No, I haven't had my solo yet.

BOYS go in a daze and start reciting gibberish. Melchior expertly leans forward in his chair with his magic microphone.

[MELCHIOR]

All alone,  
this mysery in defiance  
is what is shown  
By me to all these blind men

I doubt them,  
They just cant make a breakthrough,  
Everything they do is just be glad that they forbade you

Oh someday,  
they'll adjust what is written, then  
wars may be made  
it'll go down as an act as wisdom

Outfought by the prospect  
of money for their trouble  
and then everythings okay again, but the lies are back in the bible.

Oh, I know  
there's so much more out there  
Than what has been taught by these men

Oh, I know  
It's so brilliant, my mind,  
For now I'll make-do with this:

I might go  
a bit bender, then I'll be aching, and then  
acclaim! My stardom will be returning!

I'm hauling,  
That daily urge, oh this yearning  
To give knowledge to some younger men who have yet to be shown.

You watch me!  
Just watch me!  
I'm calling  
some day you will go

to watch me  
and watch me,  
I'm calling

Oh calling  
One day you will know.

GEORG(mutters): I think Melchi's gone mad.

MORITZ: I personally didn't understand a word of that song…

OTTO: He's going to start a war, stop it when he's offered money, go gay, be sore from all the gay sex, become a star again and we're all going to er, watch him.

HANSCHEN: I'd watch him, alright.

MELCHIOR: Please stop over-analysing.

HANSCHEN: ANAL! 


	4. The Bitch Of Living

ACT ONE SCENE FOUR - The Bitch Of Living

HERR SONNENSTICH: Calm down everyone. Now, please write out the next seven lines… I'm just going to go screw the other teacher…

MORITZ(taps Melchior in the shoulder): _Are_ you gay though?

MELCHIOR(raises his eyebrows): Are you asking?

MORITZ: Uhm, yes.

MELCHIOR(grins): Then yes, yes I am

HANSCHEN: That's not fair! What does Moritz have that I don't?

MORITZ: Oh, no…no…NO! I wasn't asking…if…you…I meant…are you gay… not will you be gay with me….

MELCHIOR(dissappointed): Spoilsport.

HANSCHEN: Hello, Melchior, I'm here, yes, you can use me instead?

MELCHIOR: I think I hear a fly buzzing about, someone squash it.

ERNST(confused): I would but I can't see a fly…

HANSCHEN: Hurry up or it might squash you.

ERNST: Please go away.

MORITZ(to Melchior): I was only asking because… last night… I dreamed a dream…

GEORG: iiiiiiiiiiin tiiiiiiiiimeeeee goneee byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

MORITZ: Who is that?

MELCHIOR: Georg. He has a few lines. Don't worry about him. So, your dream…

MORITZ: I dreamed of you, Melchior Gabor!

MELCHIOR: Woah, I did not see that one coming.

HANSCHEN(sniggers): That's what she said.

MORITZ: Melchi is a girl?

MELCHIOR(uncomfortably, glancing over at Ernst): Let's not go accusing anybody of being something they aren't…  
ERNST: Yeah, Melchi is right…

HANSCHEN: What's going on between you two?

MELCHIOR: Oh… nothing…

Everyone falls into an uncomfortable silence.

MORITZ: Melchi, I dreamed of legs… in sky blue stokings…

MELCHIOR: HOLD ON, I may be GAY, but I am NOT a drag queen. I do not war sky blue stokings!

HANSCHEN: So you ARE gay!

MELCHIOR: So you ARE a rapist!

MORITZ: No. They weren't your legs…you came after.

MELCHIOR: Did I now?

OTTO: Let him finish!

GEORG: Don't be rude!

HANSCHEN: I'm liking the commentary.

ERNST: I'm scared. I feel something on my leg.

HANSCHEN: Just ignore it…

MELCHIOR: It's the fly.

MORITZ: MELCHI! Please listen to me. There were legs… and then there was an angel… and then you appeared… and I woke up.

MELCHIOR: Ah. That kind of dream.

MORITZ: I don't know what this means Melchior! I'm scared!

MELCHIOR: It means you are finally becoming a man!

Melchior hugs Moritz.

MORITZ: Please let go.

MELCHIOR(gets teary eyed): I AM SO PROUD OF YOU MY LITTLE MORITZY! Awww, remember when we were kids and we used to play pirates with that hotty Wendla and that tramp Ilse?  
MORITZ: Ohhh, THAT'S who Ilse is.

MELCHIOR: Aw, Moritz. I LUFF YOU!

OTTO: I knew he was gay.

MELCHIOR: SO WHAT IF I AM!

MORITZ: Melchior…I do not understand…

MELCHIOR: We all have these dreams, it's perfectly natural.

MORITZ: But why were you there?

MELCHIOR(grinning): To be continued tonight, I persume.

MORITZ(wincing): Can I sing my song now?

MELCHIOR: Of course lovey.

HERR SONNENSTICH(re-entering the classroom): YOU DONE YET?

BOYS: No.

HERR SONNENSTICH: Tough, it's the end of the day.

HANSCHEN: BRIIIIIING.

HERR SONNENSTICH: What on earth was that?

HANSCHEN: I was doing a school bell impression, sir.

HERR SONNENSTICH: I cant deal with this anymore.

Herr Sonnenstich leaves.

MELCHIOR: So… I'm off.

Everyone leaves after Melchior…except Moritz.

MORITZ: Wait! WAIIIT! I still have to sing my song!

[Moritz]  
It's the BITCH OF LIVING!  
Always so ignored!  
It's the BITCH OF LIVING!  
I can't even sing my song!

RANDOM CLEANING LADY: Du musst jetzt gehen!  
MORITZ: Trust the one person to be left here with me to be the only one in the play who speaks German.

RANDOM CLEANING LADY: Ich warne dich!

MORITZ: Will you listen to my song?

RANDOM CLEANING LADY: NEIN!

MORITZ: I can tell from her tone that she means no. Hey, lady, do you have a gun?

RANDOM CLEANING LADY: Ja! Natuerlich! Hier, hab mein!

She hands him a gun.

MORITZ: I think this will come in handy. 


	5. My Spunk

Act ONE, Scene FIVE - My Spunk.

The GIRLS and WENDLA are talking in a random field.

THEA: So, are you going to this random person's wedding, Wendla?

WENDLA: No.

ANNA: Oh no, what a shame!

MARTHA: Now you can't hog the karaoke machines!

WENDLA: Yeah…

THEA: Wendla, why are you walking funny?

WENDLA: I think I wet myself.

THEA(awkwardly): Uhhhm, Wendla, what exactly have you been thinking about recently?

WENDLA: Uhm… dying…my Mama…

Girls fall silent.

MARTHA: Well, at least she can!

ANNA: I know. I haven't bee able to recently.

THEA: Ahhh! That's because you haven't been introduced to… MELCHIOR GABOR!

WENDLA: Uhm, we know Melchior.

THEA: Yes, but not in this way…

WENDLA(shocked): Ohhhh…

THEA: Melchi Gabor… he's such a radical…

GIRLS give a collective, over the top sigh as if they're having an orgasm.

[ANNA]  
In the midst of this bluffing, the biggest dryspell in my life  
There's still that one thing when you go by…

[MARTHA]  
It's almost like I'm cured, bad to the bone  
Oh you're making me drool, my pants are festive…  
[WENDLA]  
I can't resist to hover, quiet as a ghost  
spending the day watching what you do, then I go

[THEA]  
and try and kick it, but there's nothing I can do  
We've all got some spunk, and this spunk's for you.

[GIRLS]  
See us, we're laughing, causing a storm  
There's a chill in my pants, but it's warm where you are  
You stop then disappear… too good to be true  
We've all got some spunk, and this spunk's for you.

Meanwhile, Hanschen is masturbating to a picture of a girl he plans to have consensual sex with later. His father walks in. Hanschen stands up and accidentally squirts his father.

HANSCHEN: Shit…

[HANSCHEN]  
Oh I'm sorry, excuse me, god my aim is so off  
I can't concentrate when she shows me that thong!

His father leaves, giving him a deathstare.

[HANSCHEN]  
Engulfed in this gloom, I turn my hoe on  
and then I don't feel blue, oh god this is so wrong!

[ANNA]  
I lie back, you're bangin', oh I play out such scenes  
this rush I feel is the thing of wildest dreams

[WENDLA]  
I must stop acting like such a hoe,  
It's just I've got so much spunk, and it's all for you!

[GIRLS]  
We're still banging after you're gone  
You're still with me then, you feel so good in my arms  
Maybe I'll go blind, but I don't think that's true

We've all got some spunk, and this spunks for you!  
Oh it wont stop, this slime, what can I do?  
I've got so much spunk, and it's all for you.  
My spunk's for you.  
My spunk's for you.  
You. You. You.

HANSCHEN: That was awkward. 


	6. Clutch Me!

Act ONE, Scene SIX - Clutch Me.

MELCHIOR is sitting in his room, writing in his pink fluffy diary.

MELCHIOR: Shame. (pauses) Uhm, it sucks. Why should we feel shame… when… oh fuck this. I WANT SEX, IS THAT SUCH A HORRIBLE THING?

FRAU GABOR walks in just as Melchior says that last sentence. She tries not to have a nervous breadown.

FRAU GABOR: Uhm…Moritz Stiefel is… here.

She backs out of the room very slowly, forgetting that Moritz is behind her. She knocks into him.

MORITZ: AHH! WOMAN GERMS! Am I pregnant? WILL I GET COOTIES?

MELCHIOR(smiling psychotically): Come in Moritz you rediculously adorable idiot.

MORITZ: Your vocabularlyly-ly makes me uncomfortable.

MELCHIOR: I get that a lot.

There's an awkward silence.

MORITZ: Melchi…I need you to tell me about sex.

MELCHIOR: You've come to the right man.

MORITZ: I figured…

MELCHIOR: So, what exactly do you want to know?

MORITZ: …what is it's purpose in modern society?

MELCHIOR: I'd hardly call this modern, John.

MORITZ: Stay in character Jon.

MELCHIOR: Well, as if Moritz would say that.

MORITZ: Well, as if Melchior would be gay, that's just you Jonathan.

MELCHIOR: Melchior is _so_ gay.

Somewhere, far far away in the land of backstage, Michael Mayer is facepalming.

FRAU GABOR enters, trying to bring the play back on track.

FRAU GABOR: Hello boys. I have tea.

MELCHIOR: Germans drink tea?

FRAU GABOR(grits her teeth): They do, Jonathan.

MORITZ: Weird herbal tea…

MELCHIOR: We don't need no herbs Mama, I gots weed. I was about to offer Jo-_Moritz_ a smoke.

From backstage, you can hear Michael Mayer crying.

FRAU GABOR: SO, what are you reading?

MELCHIOR: _The Big Collection of Short Erotic Novels. _

FRAU GABOR: I had that one coming, didn't I?

MELCHIOR: No really, look.

FRAU GABOR: This wasn't in the script.

MELCHIOR: No, we lost the other prop so Johnny B Wright provided one.

FRAU GABOR: He was quite obviously typecast…

MORITZ(glares): Weren't we all?

FRAU GABOR: Apart from me. I don't have multiple personalities.

MELCHIOR: Mama, please leave, I was about to teach Moritz about sex.

FRAU GABOR: John knows all about sex I should think.

MORITZ: What is that supposed to mean?

FRAU GABOR(glances down at him): Uhm. You're a grown man.

MELCHIOR: *snorts*

FRAU GABOR exits.

MORITZ: She was joking.

MELCHIOR: It's okay Moritz. You can have sex with my Mama.

MORITZ: I want to…

MELCHIOR: I WAS BEING SARCASTIC.

MORITZ: So was I.

Silence. The audience feels extremely awkward.

MELCHIOR: SO, lets talk about sex!

MORITZ: Uh-huh.

MELCHIOR: I think I will improvise a song based on my personal experience with sexual intercourse that I have in my head to explain everything to you.

MORITZ: Come again?

MELCHIOR: Don't be greedy now.

MELCHIOR grins and takes out his magic microphone from his pants.

MORITZ: Oh thank god that's what you had down there.

MELCHIOR: That's what you think, John…

[MELCHIOR]  
CLUTCH ME!

MORITZ: STOP! NOOOOO!

MELCHIOR: Come on Moritz. It's the only way you'll learn. Clutch me.

MORITZ: Oh no you don't.

MORITZ runs away, checking his gun is still in his pocket.

MELCHIOR(looks down sadly at his trousers): My little friend hasn't had a clutch in a very long time… Hey I have an idea… 


End file.
